by Burt Prelutsky

If you want to Comment directly to Burt Prelutsky, please mention my name Rudy.

Ever since I first heard Mark Levin calling for a Constitutional Convention, I thought it was one of the stupidest ideas that had come down the pike in years. It’s not that I had anything against a balanced budget. Actually, I’m all for it, but the notion that a Convention could pull off something that is far beyond the capacity of the U.S. Congress should be apparent to anyone who has considered it for more than two seconds.

After all, those who’d congregate at such a gathering would have to represent all 50 states. Passage of anything, including the minutes of the meeting, would require that three-quarters of the states, meaning 38, would have to agree, should be enough to convince even a child of the futility of the enterprise.

Keep in mind that unless Democrats played a representative role in the convention, it would carry no more weight than the decisions my friends and I arrive at during our occasional lunches at our favorite bar-be-cue joint.

When even as lousy a candidate like liar-Hillary Clinton can carry 19 states, what are the chances that 38 will agree to balance the budget or even whether to order red or white wine at dinner? Perhaps, some people took Barack liar-nObama seriously when he announced there were 57 states!

But it’s not just conservatives who believe in the magical powers of a Constitutional Convention to push their agenda. According to an article by Christian Gomez that appeared in the December issue of The New American, leftists are also looking to rewrite the Constitution in order to overturn the Supreme Court’s decision in the Citizens United case and to radically revise the wording of the Second Amendment.

The Nation, a decades-old magazine known for its far left-wing editorial policy, has already begun running articles bearing titles such as “The U.S. Constitution Is Over Two Centuries Old and Showing Its Age.”

The only good news when it comes to the proposed Convention is that the crazies on the Left are even less likely to garner 38 votes than the naïve fools on the Right.

* It occurs to me that Harvey Weinstein must be an even better negotiator than Donald Trump. After all, when Satan barters for someone’s eternal soul, his standard offer, we’re told, is limited to seven years. But, Harvey somehow managed to carve out a deal that lasted for well over 30 years.

I can only assume that Satan saw Weinstein as a loss-leader, as it were, as a way to bait the likes of Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Bill O’Reilly, Charlie Rose, Roger Ailes, Kevin Spacey, Eric Bolling, Bill Cosby, Louis C.K. and liar-Bill Clinton, into signing on the dotted line.

* When I was young, I always thought it was silly when a school nurse would ask me how I thought my hearing or vision stacked up. Assuming I wasn’t constantly asking people to repeat themselves or bumping into walls, how could I tell? After all, I didn’t know how well other people saw or heard. I suppose if I had been colorblind and kept hearing people describing things as blue or red, I might have had a suspicion I was missing something.

It’s similar to the quirks in our brains. For instance, I have a difficult time grasping science and mechanics. On the other hand, I am rarely stumped or even slowed down by riddles.

Recently, while reading “The Steel Kiss,” a novel by Jeffrey Deaver, one of the characters is presented with a couple of riddles. In the first he is asked how it can be that two sons and two fathers go fishing, that each catches a fish, and yet, without first eating one of the fish, they return home with only three fish between them.

In the second, he is asked what one thing a person will find at both the beginning of eternity and at the end of time and space.

As with sight and sound, I don’t know how to measure others’ ability to solve riddles. I knew the answers to both immediately, but, unlike learned skills such as repairing a car’s engine or fixing a leaky pipe, which I don’t possess, I can’t take any credit for it. It just happens to be the way my mind operates. I will provide the answers to the riddles at the end of this article.

* One of the small mysteries of life I haven’t solved is why some women and many of the more effeminate homosexual men insist on clapping with their hands held vertically, with their fingers pointing skyward.

Is it something that comes naturally to them or is it a learned affectation, and, if the latter, what message is it meant to convey to those of us who clap normally?

* It warmed the cockles of my heart to see the New Year’s Eve revelers in Times Square freezing their own precious cockles. That’s because Manhattan could be regarded as the epicenter of the global warming hoax. If you were counting the true believers who subscribe to scum-Al Gore’s favorite fantasy, you would probably find more of them per-square mile there than anywhere else on earth. And if you tossed in the NY Times, it wouldn’t even be a contest.

Speaking of the new year, it’s shaping up to be a good one now that Donald Trump is on the pitcher’s mound, and Barack liar-nObama is relegated to booing from the bleachers.

While we’re on the subject of the worst ex-president in American history, why is it that so many of the same people who are convinced that Russia attempted to interfere in America’s democratic process in 2016, were so strangely silent when it came to liar-nObama’s sending his operatives to Israel in 2015 in a failed attempt to help Isaac Herzog defeat Benjamin Netanyahu?

* Speaking of hypocrites, some writers can give politicians, even liberal ones, a run for their money when it comes to hypocrisy.

When I was young and impressionable, two of my favorite writers were William Saroyan and J.D. Salinger. They both struck me as honest, warm-spirited and approachable.

However, when in my 20s, I met Saroyan in the editorial office of a New York-based magazine for which we both had assignments, I, admittedly a fan, asked if I could interview him at his Fresno home when we both returned to California. He told me I would have to submit my questions in writing. I explained that the way I worked was to prepare a few basic questions and then to engage my subject in conversation, and see what developed. He refused to budge, as did I. So, no interview.

Therefore, I wasn’t surprised to read that when his ex-wife, Carol, who went on to marry Walter Matthau, was asked to sum up her former husband, reported: “Bill loved humanity, but he hated people.”

In the case of Salinger, he had the protagonist in his most famous work, “The Catcher in the Rye,” Holden Caulfield famously say: “What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.”

What a big phony, as young Caulfield would say. Not only did Salinger make sure that none of his legion of fans could call him, he became a recluse on his New England acreage and lived out the remainder of his life giving a world-class imitation of a hermit, not only making himself unavailable to fans and journalists, but threatening to sue anyone who wished to write about him or publish his letters.

Saroyan, Salinger and most of our politicians, aren’t the only people employing false fronts. From personal experience, I’ve found that some of the biggest frauds are to be found among the ranks of conservative talk show hosts, including a few who wear their religion on their sleeve.

* Although I don’t believe I’m a hypocrite, I do make occasional mistakes. Recently, I made one that was a real pip. In an article that included reasons I would probably choose some form of Christianity if I were to adopt a religion at this late date, I wrote that one of the reasons I admired Christians was that they “took to arms to protect those who were out to exterminate the world’s Jews 70-odd years ago.” It was obviously intended to read: “…took to arms to protect the world’s Jews from those who were out to exterminate them…”

I can only blame my failing eyesight and the tiny font on my new computer.

** Answers to the riddles. (1) The fishing party included a grandfather, his son and his grandson. In other words, two fathers, two sons, but only three people. (2) It is the letter “e,” which appears at the beginning of “eternity” and at the end of both “time” and “space.”

If you want to Comment directly to Burt Prelutsky, please mention my name Rudy.


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