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Timothy Birdnow

Why did the Twinkie crumble? That is a question for the ages, and one that should pursue if we are to understand the current climate in which we live. The electoral failure of the GOP was, we are told by the smartest people who ever smarted a smart, due to demographics, to a party unable to grasp that it's no longer 1950 and America is no longer a land full of "fighting whiteys" complete with pipes and slippers. We must understand this shift if we are to have any relevance in modernity; this is a new world, and outdated concepts like Twinkies and pipes and slippers must be relegated to the dustbin of history, as surely as communism. We must understand the reasons for this sea change in our electorate and our sugary snacks.

Just look at the Twinkie; a white cake treat filled with a rich creamy filling. Poor black children grow fat and unhealthy by eating it, so it is clearly an allegory for the exploitation of the white man of people of color.

If Hostess had wanted to survive they should have brought back the chocodile, which was a chocolate covered Twinkie. How could the racially-obsessed people inside this Administration have turned their backs on a minority in need?

Affirmative action would have reared it's head with the chocodile, and Al Sharpton would have led street protests, shouting through his bullhorn, demanding justice for the Chauncy (the chocodile mascot). There would have been a million chocodile march on Washington.

But nary a finger will be raised for that old white guy Twinkie the Kid. He's too old, too white, too sweet from the sugar made and harvested on the backs of black labor in some Caribbean hellhole.

Perhaps Hostess should have more forcefully made their case; the Twinkie is yellow, after all, and not white. Given the rise in Asian immigration to this country in recent decades it could be said it honors those of oriental decent. Ah,but then there is the white creamy filling, making the Asian cake a sell-out, much like the Oreo was a black community sell-out. What Hostess could do is change the crème filling, making one for every ethnic group. Chocolate inside for the black community. Perhaps put a fortune inside for Orientals. Maybe ice cream inside for those of Mexican descent. Vodka in it for Russians, strudel for Germans, maybe a little Cognac for the French. (I absolutely would not eat Scottish Twinkies; either blood pudding, or scotch whiskey!)  Elizabeth Warren would like one filled with Peyote, I might add. I really, really, really, really hate to think what would go into a Twinkie made for the Fore' of New Guinea...

A more just Twinkie deserves to survive, but the old white guy Twinkie has exploited this world enough. It, like the Republican Party, must adapt to changing demographics or perish. Why should the Twinkie be wrapped in a clear package, for that matter; a billion plus Muslims are offended each and every day by such immoral sugar snack nudity. Why couldn't Hostess cover it with a Burkha, so as to avoid the tender Islamic sensibilities? And the use of animal fats in cooking? There are millions and millions of Hindus who would find that offensive. And let's not even get started on the phallic symbolism of the Hostess flagship; clearly intended to offend feminists and lesbians, who would naturally resent an elongated, white, crème filled object. (Granted the Ho-Ho would be warmly embraced, and is likewise going to disappear, but that is a small price to pay for such a victory over patriarchy.)  

And the male gay community, too, should find the appropriation of the term "Twinkie" offensive. They prefer a more mammalian sugary snack. How dare society co-opt the Twinkie for a commercial product, insult their alternative lifestyle!  

It is said the Twinkie, like the cockroach, would survive a nuclear war. Eliminating the Twinkie reduces the terrible danger of a thermonuclear holocaust, as the prospects of a "winnable" nuclear war fade along with the twinkian memory. Generals would not dare go to war if they have no sugary snack that will survive doomsday.  It will make the species more secure. Peace advocates rightly celebrate the demise of the Twinkie.

So, who would want to save the Twinkie? It is racist, sexist, Islamophobic, anti-woman, and promotes nuclear war.

I personally am glad the Twinkie is gone; it has no place in modernity. It is a tired old relic from our racist, barbarian, exploitive past. Now we can move forward to the glories of sameness. We can all eat the same bland swill, devoid of any counter-revolutionary subterfuge like the Twinkie.

I join my voice with Barack Obama; "fORWARD!"

Read more from Tim and friends at www.tbirdnow.mee.nu

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