The Life of Julia the Pathetic Loser

So let’s look at The Life of Julia the Pathetic Loser.

At the age of 3, Julia is enrolled in a Head Start Program where she will learn about Heather’s two mommies, the joys of masturbation, the foolishness of freedom, and the hypocrisy of the American Founding Fathers.

She will learn the identity of the real Messiah, the Kenyan Barry Soteoro, and the American President who single handedly lowered the level of the oceans and saved planet earth from stupid humans while simultaneously ushering in the New Stone Age.

At the age of 17, she takes the SAT, gleefully cheats on her exam and achieves a perfect score of 800 when she successfully navigates the times table all the way through to the sixes. 

She trains for the Race to the Top, a program implemented by President Barry, however Julia finds that her advanced degree in “The History of the Occupation Movement and Its Contribution to the Downfall of American Prosperity” is not in high demand among employers and is disappointed to learn that no one is willing to pay her for useless propaganda.

At the age of 18, after her third abortion, Julia and her family which comprises of Julia, the four children she did not abort, and her life mate Galtilla the Witch, qualify for President Barry’s American Opportunity Tax Credit. 

Julia and Galtilla are tickled pink as this gives Julia the chance to earn her doctorate in Secret Mathematical Tables of the Coven, not a religion.  Julia has used the money to retain an attorney in anticipation of the discrimination lawsuit she will file if she is not hired by the local diner for $350,000 a year.

At the age of 22, Julia, Galtilla and the four kids are on her parents Medicare insurance and, thank the god Barry, do not have to experience the duress of paying for health care insurance.  After navigating the bureaucracy, Julia is elated to get an important surgical procedure approved before she turns 30.  Unfortunately, the surgery is performed at the local butcher shop because no one has entered the involuntary servitude of the medical profession since Julia was 3.

Because of the Lilly Ledbottom Fair Play Action Association, Julia is one of millions of women who get to stand up for her right to equal pay, a situation Julia intends to capitalize on as soon as the manager from MacDonald’s returns her calls.

At the age of 25, Julia’s federal loans are more manageable from her hovel in the Bank of China Gulag in the Florida Everglades.  She makes her payments on time every month, or else.

By the age of 27, Julia and 120 million other women have worked as web designers for one of Obama’s czars who have been in power for 24 years.  Finally Julia and Galtilla are neutered under the Chinese mandate of no more than one child per hovel per gulag.

At the age of 31, Julia decides to have a child with a man whose name she would like to remember, but after numerous attempts, Julia is diagnosed as unable to have children because she has been neutered.  Thankfully, she can still collect benefits for prenatal care and, using her newly issued ITIN is compensated for all the children she could have had, including the ones she aborted.

At the age of 37, Julia’s four children are repeating Kindergarten for the seventh time and Julia opts for the Race to the Top degree in Kindergartenology for all of her children.  There is great rejoicing when Julia and Galtilla learn that their eleven year old daughter is pregnant.

At the age of 42, Julia wants to start her own web business.  The Smaller Business Administration offers her three and a half million dollars not to start the business and Julia uses the money to purchase a tent and a faux fur coat which she shares in the winter with her children and 14 grandchildren in the gulag.  Unfortunately, Julia has been evicted from her hovel for violation of the Bank of China’s policies.  Galtilla is nowhere to be found.

At the age of 65, Julia enrolls in Medicare and heads right to the butcher so she can grab a number and schedule a checkup by her 72nd birthday.

At the age of 67, Julia retires from her successful career not designing web sites in the business the government paid her not to start and she receives monthly benefits without worrying that she’ll run out of savings.  Unfortunately Julia is very lonely because she has sold all her children into bondage to pay for bread and rat soup.

President Barry doesn’t spend two seconds thinking about Julia or any other woman from his mansion on the top of Mount Olympus where he has resided with all the other gods for all these years.

Julia dies an old broken, ignorant, hungry bondservant in the gulag at the ripe old age of 68.

All Hail King Barry.