Good Night, Tehran!
This is Ali Ali U Wanni Salami reporting for Murder, Inc. First the weather and then news and traffic. It's cloudy tonight with the fog of war enveloping this infernal hellhole located in the cradle of civilization. Temperatures will be 70-80F in most locations with local hotspots hitting 2,000 F. Winds are out of the north, south, east, and west at 10 miles per hour with local gusts up to 9,000 MPH in all directions. Expect these gusts to be accompanied by widely-scattered flying glass, steel, camels, and body parts.
Smog, from burning oil wells and oil pits ringing the city, is predicted. Created by The Illustrious Impotentate, President Amadinijad, following in the footsteps of Saddam Hussein's spineless environmental terrorists, they will blind the arrogant invaders and create an oil shock in the world markets. Already the price of crude has dropped 20% as our Shining Leader's dazzling strategy unfolds. We thank Greenpeace and the Sierra Club for their support in this effort, chaining themselves to bridges, buildings, and trees, much as we do in our criminal justice system. Our oil tankers await in security for the opportunity to transport our crude to the world at OPEC prices.
Rain is also in the forecast and we will have showers of 50 cal, DU Tank rounds, Daisy Cutter, and MOABs penetrating official government facilities and local government officials. These will in no way hinder our great progress against the Western Forces of Darkness that fall before the Great and Magnificent Terror of Tehran. The support of American College Dupents and Whorefessors is greatly appreciated.
Now for the news... The Petite Repugnant Guard continues to defend the nation against the onslaught of infidels from the west, south, east, and north, overhead, underground, and by planes, boats, and trains. The fearless Guard is retreating on all fronts as we set our sinister trap for the evil ones. Our troops are herding our citizens to the front to stand against the white devils. In another brilliant tactical plan developed by our Benevolent Butcher of Bahabad, if they refuse to fight we kill them. Hah! Take that you brainless Americans, we now have plenty of weapons to go around.
Thousands are taking advantage of our Glorious Leader's offering of "Time Shares in Paradise" complete with virgins and young boys, for those of you of that persuasion, or if you happen to be from California.
The Sultan of Satan Tailors will gladly fit all of our heroic volunteers with the latest fashion in custom Bombastic Boom Belts with which to exact a terrifying toll upon innocent men women and children. Sorry no credit cards accepted unless we get to keep them. No Dinars-Dollars only. They will be happy to share your measurements with Ebrahim's Embalmers, Camel, Casket, and Used/Abused Donkey Emporium, in case there is anything left of you to embalm. A free camel or donkey of your choice will be provided to the families of our brutal bunglers who kill themselves for the Brilliant Benefactor of Bahabad.
Amadinijad and his Murderous Minions will make an appearance this afternoon in Damascus and next week Amadinijad will have a live interview from the French Riviera, where he will be vacationing for a short time following the bitter defeat of the infidel pigs, also known as Plan B. This will have no effect on the operation of our torture chambers. We will continue to slice and dice, murder, maul, beat, thrash, pound, punch, pinch, and mangle innocent victims in our finest tradition as long as we can raise our arms. After that we will raise your arms. We thank the believers for helping us continue these important operations.
At the Swap Shop, our gallant soldiers are offering slightly used, and possibly soiled uniforms at greatly reduce prices. In fact, they will swap one for one for dresses, burkas or striped futas and for Nikes in good running condition. Our special of the day: A two-for-one sale! AK47's, never fired and dropped only once!
The only road traffic is from our magnificent pilots and taxi drivers who continue to maintain air supremacy and prevent grid lock on our streets during their escape. Our new motto for the Iraqi Air Force is, "If We Fly, We Die, So Why Fly?" From our heroic taxi drivers the thought for the day is, "The Truck Stops Here!"
Now, for your listening pleasure, Sheik Youbouti and his Whining Wahabi's singing, from their new album "Bye-Bye, My Bedouin Baby", their two hit singles, "We Gotta Get Outta This Place", and "Usay Goodbye and Uday Hello". Hit it, Hadji!
Salami, Usay, and Uday ... now that's funny stuff. Thanks for posting it.
Very funny! I needed a good laugh today. Thanks.